Finding Contentment in Discontent

I read a blog last night that got me to thinking. Ramblings of a 30-Something Year Old Carolina Girl wrote how she had been more content when she wasn't focused on losing weight. I thought about what she said and realized this could apply to many things. For me, it's not only losing weight, but also my quest to develop a closer relationship with Christ. Before I began worrying about losing weight, I didn't know care how detrimental my eating habits were. I ate what I wanted and said what they hey, I'll worry about it later. Now it is later and I have been trying to do better.

Before I began trying to gain a closer relationship with Christ, I didn't worry over the little details. I figured as long as I went to church and paid my tithes and did good deeds and prayed occassionally and read my Bible occassionally that I was a-ok. Then a few years ago I realized it wasn't enough. I started trying to bring myself closer to Christ. I started by doing more volunteer work at church and praying everyday. Then I moved on to reading His word more. So on and so forth, and I have been working on doing better.

What I realized after reading Carolina Girl's blogs is that I was content in my naivete because it is HARD when you care. When you care, it means more when you screw up. Before I tried to move closer to Christ, I went through life pretty happy moving from one day to the next, never worrying whether I was a good Christian, because hey I did good deeds so I was good right?. Now I worry about disappointing Him and failing in His eyes.

Take today for instance. My big boss is a complete and total piss-ant. You know those annoying little black ants who bite you and it stings. Ok that's him. He sends this email today which was totally crabby and directed straight at yours truly, moi. He has been on my case for several weeks now and it is really old with his attitude. It upset me so badly that I dropped the f-bomb and of all things, the gd-bomb. I normally do not say that word. The f-bomb can be found in my vocabulary even though I know it is a horrible word, but I do not say "gd". Even I have my standards ;-) . Afterwards, I felt absolutely horrible for letting Christ down by taking his name in vain. I felt bad and dwelled on that in my mind all day because last night I had a long talk with God and promised to try to be a better person, not that I'm bad by many peoples standards. I felt all day as if I had broken my promise and let him down, which I had.

I dwelt on it and Carolina Girl's posting while I was driving home (this is when I think). I came up with this. I must be doing something right in my quest for a better closer relationship with Him if I worry over saying one bad word all day, granted it was the MOTHER of all bad words, but still. In the past, I would have felt a twinge of remorse but today I felt truly remorseful and repentant all day. To me, this means, Christ has worked in my life and my heart to show me what ways are His and which are not.

So as a recap because I rambled in the middle. I struggle with my weight, bad words, and being a good Christian. Because I care about these things now, I am not content to go through life doing them half way. Even though I am often times less content than I was before I cared about all these things, I have realized that my uncontentedness (I think I just made this word up, but you get the idea) is better than breezing through life because I am more concientous of my health, both spiritual and physical, which by improving these things, I will improve my life in the long run.

Have a great and wonderful night!